Bathwater Blues: A Novel

  BATHWATER BLUES

  ABE MOSS

  Copyright © 2020 by Abe Moss

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Cover Design by Stuart Bache

  Created with Vellum

  NOVELS BY ABE MOSS

  THE WRITHING

  BATHWATER BLUES

  BY THE LIGHT OF HIS LANTERN

  LITTLE EMMETT

  UNDER THE WICKED MOON

  GILLS

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  Contents

  Prologue

  I. SYMPTOMS

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  II. DIAGNOSIS

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  III. STRANGE REMEDIES

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  IV. SIDE EFFECTS

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  V. RECOVERY

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Epilogue

  A SPECIAL THANKS

  Prologue

  What if I don’t?

  …

  Like an ambulance in a graveyard, the question came too late, but Addie O’Dell couldn’t help wondering anyhow.

  She was sitting on the bed with monsters in her hands. There were monsters in her belly, and a couple more sitting at the edge of her tongue, waiting to spill. There were more in other places, too. Like the ones in her bedroom, sitting atop her pillow, hiding inside a plastic cover, under a glass screen, saved for as long as she wanted them. There were the monsters of her mind, always working, always scheming—little saboteurs, never missing an opportunity to turn her against herself a little more each day. And she could never forget the one in the bathtub, floating without a care in the world, whispering like a flea in her ear, harmonizing with the monsters of her mind, assuring her this was for the best, that the monsters in her hands would solve all her problems.

  So she took the pills and washed them down clean with a bottle of her mother’s vodka. Two, then four, then six. She didn’t know how many it would take, but to be safe she figured she’d take them all, or as many as she could before she finally fell asleep. That moment couldn’t come fast enough, but she didn’t want to rush it. She didn’t want to make the mistake of going overboard, and merely hurt herself in the process. Hurting wasn’t the objective. Hurting was the problem she wished to solve. Hurting was another monster on a list of many, one which pervaded all the others. She couldn’t spend her time on it anymore. She wouldn’t. This was the only way she knew how to put a stop to it.

  But of all the monsters on her list, of all the terrible things she thought she’d accounted for—the things she intended to escape—there was at least one she hadn’t. There was at least one yet to arrive. Unexpected. Uninvited.

  It was the monster on the doorstep, of course…

  …waiting to come inside and provide an answer to her question.

  SYMPTOMS

  PART ONE

  Chapter One

  “You’re ten dollars short on your till…”

  Addie stood beside Linda, her boss, too exhausted to begin wondering how.

  “That can’t be right,” she said. She shrugged.

  “Why don’t you count it again to be sure.” Linda took a seat at the office computer.

  So she did. And once again, the cash didn’t match. Linda stood with a sigh and nudged her out of the way. Addie watched as she sifted through her drawer, searching for mismatched bills, passing them through her callused fingers. She was torn between worrying about her mistake and just wanting to be done for the night. For the third time, Linda confirmed the shortage.

  “I don’t know how…”

  “It’s fine,” Linda said, though she didn’t hide her annoyance. “But if it happens again, I’ll have to write you up. You only get one warning.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  Linda regarded Addie for a moment, grimacing plainly, either suspicious of theft or wondering how someone could be so inept. Or both, Addie thought, and couldn’t blame her. Competent, honest workers in retail were hard to come by, and she wasn’t sure she qualified as either.

  “Well, you’re free to go. I’ll see you tomorrow at noon.”

  Addie nodded, punched out, and fled as quickly as her sneakers allowed.

  The parking lot was mostly empty and dark save the one lamppost under which her car was parked. She fished her keys from her pocket along with her cellphone as she walked. One new message. She got in her car, shut herself in silence, and read it:

  “Come over when you’re off?”

  From Carter, of course.

  Addie sat with the keys still in her lap. It was 8:09 p.m. She turned her head and watched as a car pulled in at the grocery’s entrance and two laughing boys climbed out and went inside.

  She had two options, she thought. Go home, or go to Carter’s. It seemed an easy decision. The mere thought of going home filled her with dread. The later she walked through the front door the better. However, spending time with Carter wasn’t so appealing, either. Not lately. She briefly wondered if she might not choose either of those options, and do something else entirely. Alone. But nothing came to mind. Nothing she’d enjoy.

  She responded: “Coming now.”

  She started the car, turned up the radio, and drove toward disappointment.

  ✽✽✽

  The door, adorned with the silver number 97, opened wide. A young man smiled broadly on the other side, stylish black hair, a stud in his lip, both handsome and somehow offensive. He knew she’d come against her better judgement.

  “Hey,” he said, and stepped aside to let her in.

  Addie returned his cocky grin with a bowed-headed, shy kind of smile she hated but couldn’t help. He closed the door behind her and she sat on his sofa in front of the television which was already on—a cartoon she didn’t recognize.

  “How was work?”

  Addie looked up as he made his way to the couch and sat beside her, unsure if he’d care to know the details or if a ‘fine’ would suffice.

  “It was… kinda shit, actually.”

  He leaned in and kissed her temple. “Oh, bummer.”

  “It was just super busy.” She paused, watched the cartoon without really seeing it. “And then my till came up short, which my boss wasn’t happy about. She already thinks I’m a moron.”

  “Well, we both know you have your moments.” Carter laughed and kissed her temple again. Like a silly child. Silly, naïve Addie. It was almost cute how she fucked things up. He kissed her again, on the cheek this time. “Luckily I know just the thing to take your mind off it…”

  His hand brushed her thigh on its way to her crotch, where he expertly navigated the button and z
ipper of her jeans and found his way inside.

  Funny, she thought, how she almost took him for being interested in her day. But even she had to admit, there wasn’t much of interest. She lived a dull life. He probably thought he was doing her a favor. She needed this. She needed him to liven up her days, to make life bearable, a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it was just underwhelming sex.

  His fingers were inside her now, his mouth on her neck, and she was half-tempted to stop him. But for what, she thought? To tell herself she could? So she could prove he was as unnecessary to her as she was to him? Then there’d be nothing for her here, and she’d go home…

  She placed her hand on his and helped him massage her. She turned to him, saw his sleepy smile and those sex-fogged eyes… She couldn’t help feeling they were in two different realities. Or maybe she thought too much. If she could only be in the moment as he was, maybe she’d enjoy it the same. She wondered what he was thinking then, staring at her like he was dozing off, or if sex simply removed all thought, like a kind of robotic MODE he found himself in, where the goal was to get from A to B and nothing else mattered. Perhaps he thought she was the same. But she wasn’t. She was aware of it all, analyzing every touch, every breath, every expression… finding motives in each of them.

  She looked into his half-lidded eyes and saw no one looking back.

  Before long they were both undressed and Carter was frantically fitting a condom around himself. She’d get an orgasm out of it at least, she thought, if she focused hard enough. It wasn’t always satisfying, but it was something. Something was all she needed most days. It was enough to go to sleep at night, feeling she had something that many didn’t. But even that wasn’t true. It wasn’t love, after all, and getting fucked wasn’t an accomplishment. But still…

  A few minutes later, after a one-sided climax, Carter picked himself up and left to the bathroom. She remained on the couch, stark naked, watching the stupid cartoon that still played. It was over, she thought, and she could nap a while now. They’d cuddle a bit, fall asleep. That was really her favorite part: having someone’s arms around her as she drifted off. Then she’d wake up a couple hours later and sneak home. Although it wasn’t really sneaking when it was exactly what he wanted. If he woke as she slipped to the door he’d probably sleep even better than before, knowing she’d already be gone come morning.

  She listened to the toilet flush. He returned, still naked, his sweaty face lit blue by the light of his phone.

  “Hey…” he said, pausing as he finished sending whatever message he’d just written. “Sorry to bump you along, but a friend of mine needs my help real quick.”

  “With what?” she asked.

  “Uh…” He paused again, still staring into his phone. Then he tossed it on the couch and began snatching his clothes up from the ground. “He’s drunk and needs a lift home, is all.”

  Addie sat up, looked about herself, at the clothes on the floor, hearing the squeaky voices on the television, and shook her head and laughed humorlessly. She bent and reached for her clothes.

  “I’m sorry, I said. But I don’t want to leave him hanging.”

  “It’s fine,” she replied, and was reminded of Linda’s disappointment earlier, having said the same.

  “Are you mad?”

  “No.”

  She pulled her shirt over her head.

  “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  She slipped her shoes on, hesitating to answer because even as mad as she felt then, she knew how she’d feel tomorrow: the same as today. Saying no seemed easy now, but after another long day of nothing, she knew she’d need something again.

  “I don’t know.”

  She gave him a quick glance before turning to the door and saw he was smiling a little.

  How awful it felt to be so predictable.

  ✽✽✽

  She parked at the curb and shut off the engine. The neighbor’s sprinklers chh chh chhed outside. She sat and browsed her phone for a minute, reluctant to be home. Not when the windows were still lit. She scrolled through her texts from Carter and was sourly amused.

  “You coming over tonight?”

  “What are you doing tonight?”

  “I’m lonely. Come over.”

  “Doing anything tonight?”

  “Come over.”

  “My place tomorrow night?”

  In between were many cancellations for plans which would have been during the day, things as simple as getting lunch or coffee. She wondered how quickly he’d end it altogether if she withheld sex. It was hardly a mystery.

  She got out of the car and stood in the street for no particular reason. Breathed cool, leafy air. She genuinely considered taking a stroll around the block just to postpone going inside…

  Somewhere down the street there were footsteps. Heels. She glanced in their direction, getting louder as they came nearer, and saw between the elm trees a woman following the sidewalk with her face white in her phone’s light. She lifted the phone to her ear, never missing a step on the root-bulged concrete under the dark of the trees, and suddenly erupted in laughter as she spoke to someone on the other end of her call. Addie caught herself smiling, and felt embarrassed to be enjoying someone else’s happiness. It was always someone else’s, it seemed…

  She made her way across the lawn. She stopped at the door.

  “Why am I…” she whispered but didn’t finish.

  She opened the door, stepped inside, and shut it quietly.

  “Addie, is that you?”

  The foyer was dark but the kitchen beyond was lit. Addie waited patiently in the dark, knowing she couldn’t escape to her room if she tried. A tall, thin shadow slipped into the kitchen entry. It paused, leaned casually in the doorway, hand on its hip.

  “You’re home early,” her mother said. “Earlier than usual, I mean.”

  “Something came up. Carter had to go somewhere.” She turned and dumped her keys into the dish sitting on the small table next to the door, kicked her shoes off onto the rug. She started for the hall, past the kitchen doorway where her mother stood silhouetted. Her mother sighed reminiscently.

  “You’re so lucky to have him,” she said, her voice sounding far off, like daydreaming. “Never take him for granted, whatever you do.”

  Addie stopped halfway down the hall, shoulders stiffened. When she looked back, her mother had already disappeared back into the kitchen.

  She used the bathroom and then shut herself in her room. She kicked a mess of clothes across the floor on the way to her bed. After she lay down on top of her sheets and blankets, she stared at the ceiling.

  “Why am I still here…”

  Her breath was black in the dark.

  Chapter Two

  Morning came and went. She climbed out of bed, blindly grabbed clothes from her closet, and headed to the bathroom to shower. After she was cleaned and dressed, she headed to the kitchen.

  Her mother was sitting at the table with coffee cupped in both hands. The television was on, an old fuzzy piece of shit with antennas on top. Her mother could afford something better, but for whatever reason was content guessing the static-garbled words coming through.

  “I thought you might be dead,” her mother said as she entered the kitchen. “You must have slept twelve hours.”

  Addie said nothing. She got a yogurt cup from the fridge and ate at the counter behind her mother, watching the unintelligible morning talk show with little interest. Her mother eventually turned to look at her.

  “I had the strangest dream about you last night,” she said.

  Addie stared into her half-empty yogurt cup, stirring it indifferently.

  “Yeah, what was that?”

  Her mother turned her chair around and sat at the counter.

  “It was a nightmare, really. Terrifying.” She visibly shivered and Addie had to resist rolling her eyes. Her mother loved a spotlight no matter the size, the more sensational the story the better. “In the dream, I was in be
d trying to sleep. So disturbing when that happens. Hard to tell you’re dreaming. Anyway, I heard this crash from your room, like something fell over. I jumped up and hurried to see what the hell it was, but when I opened your door, I couldn’t see anything out of place. Except that’s when it started feeling like a nightmare. You know that feeling in a dream, when you can suddenly tell something’s not right? That dreadful feeling, like something bad is going to happen, or something bad is coming but you don’t know what? Anyway, you were in your bed, or at least I thought. I asked you ‘what was that noise, Addie?’ but you didn’t say anything. You were probably just sleeping, I thought, so I went to wake you up. I pulled the covers off… and it wasn’t you at all.” Her mother paused for emphasis, wide-eyed, possibly waiting for her to ask what it was. But Addie only looked up from her yogurt plainly. “There was this black… thing in your bed.” She shivered again, only this time it didn’t appear so forced. “I can hardly describe it. Like a shadow with eyes. It just lay there staring up at me and I couldn’t move. I knew I was dreaming but couldn’t wake up. I tried screaming for you, even though you weren’t there, but I couldn’t say anything. And this thing just sat perfectly still in your bed, looking up at me while I screamed. And then I really woke up. It wasn’t quite morning yet but I couldn’t go back to sleep. I actually came in to check on you, to make sure you were in your bed. You were sleeping like a rock.”